Screw You, Money

The thing about fertility---or lack there of--- is that it robs you of your ability to plan.  Anything.


Are we going to move back to our hometown?  No, because we have to keep our jobs.
Are we going to sell the little house?  No, because we can't sink money into a new one.
Are we going to update the little house?  No.  The things we have left to do must be hired out.
Are we ever going to make it to the forever house?  We'll see...

Are you noticing a theme yet?  Money.  It's not just fertility.  It's money.  And I firmly believe that if you want to win in this game- and without insurance coverage it's a HUGE game- we will need all of the money we can pull together.

On the side of our fridge is a black outline picture of a baby bottle titled "Milk Money".  After my first cyst this summer I printed the picture and drew hash marks across it to represent a savings goal for every month of this year.  At the time I never imagined we'd fill the bottle.  Secretly, I thought I was being paranoid.  Because obviously I was being paranoid.  Because DH said I was.

Woops. Should have started saving sooner, apparently.

We have a vacation coming up next month but all I can think is, "How much will this cost us?  How far back are we going to set ourselves from reaching the goal for the month?  How do we tell new parent SIL and BIL that no, we can't go to a $100 a meal restaurant?  How do you explain a situation to someone who will, blissfully enough, never have any clue what you're worried about?"

But today I allowed myself 5 minutes to be impulsive.   To say, "Screw you, Money."  One Republic tickets.   A simple, short-term happy fix because let's be honest- there are few things these days that make me genuinely happy in my core.  But it's a plan and that, right now, is something worth giving a nod to.  One Republic is the shit and I'm not looking back on this one.


"Hope when you take that jump
You don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You build a wall

Hope when the crowd screams out
They're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
Is give it all you have

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes
You'll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup

I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I'll say...

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived"

-O.R.