Insomnia and Blogging

I am disgusted by the fact that I've started a blog about trying to get pregnant.  It feels like I'm admitting something. And yet...

The thing about this experience is that it's isolating.

When friends found out we were trying for a baby everyone wanted to talk about it.  Everyone had advice.  Everyone wanted in on the experience.  But here we are now and I notice that the few people I trust enough to talk to about not getting pregnant don't have as much to say anymore or as much time to listen.

I wonder if I had gotten pregnant in the first month- if things had just gone according to plan- if I would have treated friends in my situation like this too.  Honestly, maybe.  I don't think most people try to be insensitive; in fact, I think most people try to be helpful as they can be.   And so they say things like, "Did you know stress isn't good while you're trying to get pregnant?"  and "It will happen soon".  I am sure if it weren't  for this experience I would still think those were reassuring bits of advice too.  But after you hear these same things over and over they start to feel like accusations- as if you're doing something to cause myself not to become pregnant.  And so I find myself trying to think of ways not to think about getting pregnant because maybe they're all right.  Like, if I don't think about babies at all I will spontaneously become pregnant.

And that just pisses me off.

Until I have a confirmed case of Endometriosis, I feel like there are some friends and family members who feel like it's okay to continue hinting that if I were just a little less stressed/ anxious/ Type A I would be pregnant by now.  I know that most of them don't know better, but aren't fertility issues a fairly common thing nowadays, or at least common enough that women have a general understanding of the etiquette surrounding the entire trying to conceive experience?

I know two women who got pregnant in their first months of trying to get pregnant.  They both became pregnant before I was ever trying to and I was (and still am) genuinely happy for them.  I also suspect that the ease with which they became pregnant further fueled my idea that I would also have no trouble getting pregnant right away.  These same two women are some of the ones who have told me to stop worrying about getting pregnant.  Easy to say.  (Yes, I'm sounding bitter.  It's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to.)  I guess it just goes back to that idea that maybe we are all guilty of ignorance until life forces us not to be anymore.

If I get pregnant I will never not know how scary the entire process is and I will now never be the person to say to another woman, "Maybe if you just don't think about it..."  But you know what?  I wish I would have been.  I'd rather just be blissfully unaware and hurtful than damningly clued in and sensitive to the experience.  Selfish, but does anyone actually ever want to learn how it is the hard way?

I woke up tonight feeling panicked about my impending surgery.  Even though I was in pain for nearly twelve hours yesterday- lower back, stomach cramps, sharp pain in my left side and down my legs- I am still wondering if surgery is the way to go.  A little voice keeps whispering that maybe I will get pregnant if I just keep going next month.  The rational side of my brain knows that something is wrong, but the emotionally-charged other side wants to believe that if I just stop thinking about getting pregnant...

This experience has robbed me of some of my ignorance and I'd like it back.