Light

I wear my sadness badly.  It's a lipstick stain on my teeth.  A run in the back leg of my pantyhose.  A shirt that's a little too snug when I'm standing to the side.  It's awkward for everyone who has to look at me.  Should they comment on it, they must wonder. And if they do what will I say?

There are so many women who don't talk about what they're going through, women who wash it down with a bag of Hershey Kisses.  Maybe it's because I'm an only child who tends to lean a little left of center when it comes to attention. Or maybe it's because I'm losing my shit and need to know that someone else has too and has lived to tell about it.  Either way, I've been talking about this trying to get pregnant BS with anyone who will listen.  And yet until this weekend I didn't realize that night after night I've been sitting alone in a dark room, unaware that the lights have been turned off for months.

Every-single-night I have been coming home from work, heading straight to bed for an hour and then waking up to pee on sticks or research fertility treatments or checking out books on adoption.  This -thing- has so completely consumed me that I've literally lost track of time only to glance at the clock and realize I've spent four hours reading about it.  Most of all I realize I have been mourning the loss of an experience that was supposed to be happy.

I have been driving DH batshit crazy.  He has no idea what to do with me.  I know he doesn't mean to be unsympathetic but he's sick of hearing about it.  In the end there's nothing he can say that will fix what's happening in my mind.  All of the worst case scenarios will play out whether he's there for them or not.

The only time I escape is at school.  Kids have a way of keeping you busy--- and yes, that's ironic.  On Friday night several teachers and I hosted a movie night for the kids.  DH came along like a champ and entertained himself by texting a guy from work.  At some point the conversation turned to the guy mentioning that he'd just gotten a  Golden Retriever from a farm for one hundred bucks.  DH and I have always wanted a Golden, but we'd always had this unspoken thing about not getting one until we had kids.  The guy sent DH three pictures of the two boys and girl that were still left and gave him the number to call the lady who owned them.  While I was busy with the kids I noticed several of the adults looking at DH's phone.  When I went over to look I couldn't believe how excited he seemed about them. In the past I have always been the instigator of big life decisions.  Still, DH's excitement seemed to waver as the night went on and I didn't say a lot about it that night.

On Saturday the guy DH had been talking to sent him several pictures of the girl he'd taken.  Of course they were adorable and his description of how she was the " best dog he'd ever had" got DH and I talking again.  Our biggest hesitation is the traveling we do once a month to see family that's an hour away.  Still, I told DH that if we never looked into it we might regret it later. After some prodding, he called the lady and set up a time to check out the dogs on Sunday.

When we pulled up in the driveway we saw the girl from the photo we'd been sent running in the driveway.  And when she came up to our car I knew we'd be taking her home.

We are three days in and I am smitten with her. No, that's an understatement.  When we took her home Sunday night we found a lump on her shoulder and for a terrible day I wondered if she had cancer and how we'd afford to treat it and then decided we'd do whatever we had to do to get her better. (Fortunately it turned out to be from an old injury and shrunk as soon as the vet drained it.). I love this girl.   I named her Lucy, which means "light".  She's given me something to look forward to when I come home at night.  And keeping the cat from attacking her has given me something to stay busy.

My period started the day after we got Lucy.  I knew it was coming on Friday, but when it happened it wasn't the crushing blow to my psyche that it has been for the last several months.  It sucked.  A lot.  But between a vet appointment, christmas shopping and dinner, I didn't have time to dwell on it. And that was okay.

I haven't been on my iPad in a week, but when I opened Safari tonight I had ten windows open to fertility and adoption sites. Without thinking I closed them all and began writing this post.  I don't want anything to steal what I've had this week.  I feel lighter.  I've been smiling.  It feels good.