-writing. I used to LOVE writing. I had this idea that I was going to write my first novel before I got pregnant. Putting words together used to make sense to me. I took classes taught by published authors, earned my master's in writing and worked on story idea after story idea at all hours of the night.
I look at some of the things I write (which is to say this blog) and think," This is such bullshit." So I don't bother with writing seriously anymore.
-having friends over. There is an invisible wall between us. I just don't care a whole lot about hanging out with people anymore. I long to be at home on the couch with the iPad in hand researching fertility issues or reading blogs or Googling medical conditions. I am a naturally introverted person but it feels as if I have folded in on myself. Most of the friends don't call anymore and I find myself not caring a whole lot. And at the same time loving the ones who do still call a whole heck of a lot more.
-planning for the future. I am a planner. I love thinking about what could happen- new jobs, a new house, family... But the past year has really decimated any desire I have to think about the future in anything but vague and nonspecific terms. The only thing I can think about in terms of future planning is contributing to a savings account I've nicknamed "Milk Money" to be used for...God, I don't know- fertility treatments or adoption or some really nice vacation when this entire thing blows to shit anyway.
School is sort of keeping me afloat. I am so thankful for the kids I have this year- seriously, they are such a cool group and they take my mind off of things between 8:30 and 3:30. But the minute I walk out the door I'm thinking about peeing in sticks or timing sex or wondering what my new stomach pain could possibly be.
I hate who I am right now. I hate that I don't know how to handle this situation with grace and humility. I want to be a trooper, but I just don't know how to put a happy spin on any of it.
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