Same Feeling x 15,000

I wrote this in July.  Same feeling,




I used to be afraid of having kids.  Like I might lose and forever mourn the self I used to be.  "What would happen," I wondered, "if I lost my ability to take a nap at two, to settle into a book at four or go to a movie at ten?"  We aren't accountable to anyone except each other.  We can go out to eat every night of the week and not worry about paying for it or even if it's really all that healthy.  When I'm bored I can shop at Target and redo every room in our house every time I find a new color scheme I like better than the ones I have now.  I never carry cash; we charge everything and we pay the bill off before it's due because we don't really have many financial obligations.  We sleep in, stay up late and make and cancel plans like a couple of teenagers.  "Why would I give that up?" I thought.  "Why would we want to?"  And so we were careful every month not to have a baby.  We would worry if my period was late.  We would breathe a sigh of relief when it showed up.  We went on living for ourselves.

And that was okay until one day this winter it wasn't. I realized that myself isn't enough.

I could have all of the things I need and do all of the things I want, but it started to feel so empty.  People-watching became a much better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than shopping.  I'd see young women with babies and wonder if they were younger than me.  I'd see their husbands balance bags and strollers and feel smitten by the chaos of it.  And when I did go into a Target I couldn't quite explain the hollowness in my stomach when I'd walk by the kids' clothes- the way my heart sank a little with the weight of such a life experience that I couldn't simply buy and have.

Sitting on the beach today I realized that I am having less fun on this gorgeous vacation than I can ever remember having.  Before this trip I used to wonder how I would know that I was ready to be a mom.  Even after we started trying to get pregnant, I had never felt the feeling I've experienced this week.  It's strange and selfish sort of, but there isn't anything I want more than to be a mom.